This will be a quick post for parents of juniors and seniors. We can all probably use a break right now. Luckily one is coming up. Thanksgiving is the time of year for family to get together…and talk about college. I’m kidding, but I’m also not. I recall in my youth trying to avoid pointed questions about my college and unrealistic life plans and more recently, I’ve had students express frustration about the Thanksgiving dinner conversation. Words like “ambushed” and “interrogated” have been used. Now that we’re officially in the holiday season (I’ve seen Christmas lights already), and especially with Thanksgiving coming up, let’s talk about talking about college.

If you are a parent of a high school junior, I honestly think some dialogue about college can be healthy as long as it’s open-ended and there are no ultimatums issued (even if your child could benefit from a fire being lit). And the student needs space to express their own ideas. If you are going to be spending time with distant relatives, maybe you’re even anticipating that they will broach the topic of college, but I would also be wary of unsolicited well-intentioned advice from anyone who applied to college a generation ago, or even 5 years ago. It’s a much different process now. If it appears that the student is being spoken to as opposed to spoken with, you might have to intervene. 

The Thanksgiving college conversation inevitably degenerates into the “where you are applying” question. If the student hasn’t started their research in depth yet, and they probably haven’t, they are not going to provide very nuanced responses. It’s only going to raise the anxiety as they all of a sudden are the center of the conversation. Instead, think about the following as topics of conversation that also connect with college in a different way. 

• Talk more about high school instead. What are they enjoying doing, do they have any favorite classes/teachers, anything they still want to do before they graduate? Yes, they will still feel like they’re on the spot, but at least they are sharing things they know more about, and this does connect with the college process as they will be asked to reflect on their high school experience in several ways. 

• If someone is going to ask about what colleges they are interested in, try to keep it focused on characteristics over names. I will keep saying this over and over again, a name is merely an idea/image of a school, characteristics affect the student’s actual experience. 

• If you have the means to travel, discuss spring break college tour travel plans. Give your child something to look forward to. What part of the country do they want to visit? This may seem to contradict the previous point about characteristics over names, but a college trip should involve a variety of schools, not just the most selective schools a student is considering. 

• Most importantly, do not compare your child to anyone else. Do not mention how someone else’s child is already registered for the SAT, how they did research last summer, or how they are doing in school. Don’t do this over Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, don’t ever do this. 

And if the topic of college doesn’t come up at all, maybe that’s for the best. On that note…

If you are a parent of a high school senior, I will leave it up to you to use your best judgment, but my thought is that you are probably doing more harm than good in talking about college on this night. Your child is probably thinking about it enough, even if they don’t always share their thoughts. If they have already applied early, it’s now out of their control. There’s no need for them to relive what they did or should’ve done. If they haven’t applied to their UC or Cal State schools yet, they know the deadlines are coming up. They don’t need a reminder.

Your child will likely not have any revelations about college or career plans during Thanksgiving dinner. Especially if you already regularly talk about college, your child can probably use a break.